To my past ...🥂

 Even as you were hurting me, I was finding all the reasons why it was okay.

The things you said and the way you treated me shattered my heart in countless pieces as you wreaked emotional havoc on me.

The worst part of it wasn’t that you did it or that I allowed it, but that I rationalized your anger and emotional abuse.

My friends would beg me to leave and do everything they could to help free me from our toxic relationship.

But I was so lost in survival mode that I couldn’t exist in any place other than where I currently was, where felt safe..and leaving it all behind..

Well, that scared me.

What if I wasn’t strong enough, what if you came after me..those were some of the questions that made my heart race in fear.

But truthfully, you don’t know how strong you truly are until being strong is the only option you have..

And on that last morning, you finally pushed me so far that I knew I could never forgive you. 

Your rage consumed you and somehow, you tried to make me believe it was my fault.

That was the moment the clouds broke and something snapped in me.

If I didn’t escape this toxicity, it would take everything from me, possibly even  the breaths from my lungs.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and decided..no more.

I waited for the fear and uncertainty to set in ..but it never did.

I took such good care of you.. I knew I gave my all and tried again and again.. the thought of leaving you would cause my heart to hurt like it had so many times in the past..

But the pain never came ..

I was finally numb- you had pushed me to the point where I just didn’t care anymore.

I sat staring quietly at you as your eyes flashed red with the familiar ire of your dreadful rage.

Silently and deliberately , I looked out that bathroom window slowly and wistfully shook my head at your temporarily subsiding debacle..

I knew I wouldn’t, but that’s all I could think of in those tense moments as I tried to maintain my composure.

The day that changed my life, I closed the door to my dead end past and opened my heart and soul to new possibilities.

I still had a long hard road ahead, but finally, I was something I hadn’t been in a long time.

Free...

You broke my heart, you betrayed me.

All the things I loss on you. 

I’ll never forgive you.

To my past.. 🥂